The Eternal Darkness
of
the
Grief Ridden Mind
Been away for a second.
Life has
Been
C
R
a z
Y
If you read my previous post, you know my mom's RV burned down that we were living in.
We lost it all....
...and more importantly I lost all of my fiance's journals and her ashes...
And this happened while I was in jail, and during that time my mom was supposed to pay my storage
She didn't
i lost that too
all our mementos
all her clothes and favorite things
our WHOLE relationship was contained in that
storage
So: I literally lost it
A L L
The two momentos I have is a cedar rose (she was native and it was a tradition of her tribe to make yhese beautiful little 'roses' out of cedar bark) including a portrait of her from her funeral
and the Sasquatch hoodie she got me one year (she always called me her Harry, she said I was bascially bigfoot, I have a lot of hair and am a big guy lol)
and I still have our dog, he's Kuruk (means bear in Pawnee, a tribe in Oklahoma, he's a little black bear, incredible little terrier mix)
which is the most important thing of all
He jumped out of the RV immediately when it started going up in flames, he's no idiot
She passed three years ago.
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and I lost it
In the past two years I've wrecked two cars (one I rolled up a hill, hit a tree, and rolled back down upside down, i crawled out of the wreck and walked past the bystanders on the busy intersection during lunch rush and somehow didn't get a dui)
the second time I bent my axle after blacking out and almost drove through a guardrail on a hill with a few hundred feet drop
and somehow, someway I'm still here
Many times I wished I wasn't, not suicidial but not wanting to go on without her
It was so DAMN hard
I screamed at the top of the lungs to the heavens, the stereotypical WHY GOD?! WHY IN THE FUCK, SHE WAS 26, SHE HAD HER WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF HER!!!
The day before she passed we were planning our wedding of all things and what we would name our kids
a week later, I'm helping her parents plan the funeral
Welcome to...
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but the bright part of it all is she taught me who I am, and the man I want to be
And I can't live in misery forever
i know she wouldn't want that
and if our roles were reversed I wouldn't want that for her either
Our scars makes us who we are (yes paraphrasing from Affleck Bruce Wayne in the Flash, but still a great speech when he's trying to convince Barry not to go back and stop his mom dying)
and hell, at this point I have more than my fair share
But I have to live up to being a man she's be proud of
I can't give up now, and maybe, just maybe I can male this world a better place in her memory
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